How a fraud MBA got married

It was that time of life which a huge majority of Indian guys (read: those without advanced booking) go thru. That time when a bachelor's parents decide that enough is enough and that their lad needs to be put on the leash. And no amount of writ petitions, class action lawsuits, Public Interest Litigations or puppy faces can get you off the hook. The Chief Justice of the House (Read: My Father) passed a law declaring that his lone son had to be domesticated. My mercy appeal to the President (Read: My mother) was summarily dismissed without even so much as a thought.

And, hence it came to pass that my advertisement (Read: Bait) was floated and we (Read: My parents) waited with bated breath for some damsel to bite. Now, the populous country that we are, it was in a jiffy that the bait was taken, hook, line and sinker and one fine day, I found myself seated awkardly in someone's drawing room. I had decided to make full use of my MBA during this interview session. The fraud MBA that I am, I had hit upon a novel idea to finally make use of some of the lakhs I had poured into my post grad education.

I was armed to the teeth with questions which would help me take an informed decision (or so I thought). After the initial round of intros (the damsel was nowhere in sight till now), the damsel's father decided to kick in and grill me. The conversation went something like this:

DF (Damsel's father): So, what do you do?
Me: I work with XXX as an Associate Consultant.
DF: (Looking at me as if I was a Delhi Rikshaw waala about to rob him…I should have put on my Chambal Daaku dress and a fake moustache) Well, what exactly is the nature of your job?
Me: (In my mind - I play chess, marbles, dabba ice-spice and carrom in the office and wait with bated breath for any forward to arrive) (Aloud) I'm involved in end to end development of Complex Financial Services systems for Fortune 500 clients around the world
DF: (Still eyeing me suspiciously as if I had just tried selling him some miracle herb/jadibooti) Ok…Ok…You software guys have it good
Me: <<Smirks>>

After some more desultory conversation, the damsel turns up, bearing a tray of kaande pohe (supposedly prepared by her). I pick up a plate and say thanks while looking at my feet. Now, being the educated and liberal family that the girl belonged too, her ma and pa forced us into an alcove to 'talk things out'. This is what I had prepared for over the past few days and I was determined to show off a few of my MBA skills here. This is how it went:

Me: Good poha. Did you make it?
Damsel: Yes
Me: So, please tell me any incident in your life which you think honed your leadership skills.
Damsel: (In her mind…Are you out of your mind???!!!) I cannot think of anything now
Me: (Slotting into 2nd gear) Tell me two positive and two negative attributes about yourself. What steps have you taken to overcome the negatives?
Damsel: (Looking predictably scandalized) #$$%!@@^& (unintelligible gibberish)
Me: (Mighty pleased that the interview is going well…Decide to go for the best question in my arsenal) If we do get married, where do you see yourself 5 years from now?
Damsel: (What the ****…Who does he think he is) #$$%!@@^&
Me: What value do you intend to bring in this progr…oops relationship? What would be your key takeaways?
Damsel: (Her face contorting like a person's between the moment he realizes that the chair he sat on is absent and the moment he bites the dust) Even more #$$%!@@^&
Me: (Final Gear…I had already abandoned all hopes) How would you leverage your previous experience in this marriage?

Damsel: (For a change, speaks something)What? Bloody psycho…

Thus ends the perfect MBA interview for marriage.

P.S. 1. This is a fictional interview (I swear, cross my heart etc…) Had I done something like this in real life, I would probably be spending time in exotic Yervada prison.

2. I'm married since almost an year now (And NO, my wife's no MBA thankfully)

Nagphani / Duke's Nose Rappelling

The peak where you rappel down from. If you observe closely, you will see the ropes coming down

It was a cold day in hell when I checked out the website of Inventure Treks. They were organising a rappelling trek at Nagphani (aka Duke's Nose) near Lonavala. I had been to Nagphani a couple of times before that but it was only for Valley crossing purposes. The valley crossing thingie itself was quite an adventure and the very thought of rappelling down the steep & unforgiving cliff sent a chill down my spine. But it is precisely challenges like these which make a trekker's life worthwhile (or so I thought). I enthusiastically joined the trek and roped in another guy just in case my bones needed to be gathered :-)

A non-descript bus ride to the base village followed by a night spent sleeping in the local temple. Now, I'm no stranger to night treks and have come to terms with taking to the 'open fields' in the morning. But such activities generally need to be undertaken before sunrise and before other people (esp girls) arise too. So, took a bottle of water & my solar powered torch and managed to locate a decently secluded spot. Download was quick work because of - 1. No incentive for reading the newspaper using the sun's harnessed power and more importantly, 2. Fear of getting my tunki bitten by a snake leaving me impotent for the rest of my life (I don't even have a kid yet, but that is planned and not an issue with my tunki). As is always the case, Murphy was waiting with a vengeance to sue me and the solar torch promptly fizzled out before I could complete the washing ritual. The manual had said 2 hours and 20 minutes battery life (damn Chinese exaggerations) & I had not bothered keeping the torch in the sun. Result was groping in the dark and hoping that I don't tip the bottle over. The rest of the band members woke up quickly and did 'il fait se toilette' (that is the only phrase I remember from my French class). Some quick, cold chow and hot tea went into the system and after about an hour of climbing, we reached the summit of Nagphani.

A quick briefing followed the ascent and we were told stuff like - you have signed declarations not to sue us if you die - Yeah, tell me about it. Reminded me of a joke - Parachutes are the safest devices ever invented. No one has ever complained of one not opening - The organizing team was young and most of them worked with IT companies (another cause for concern. Do you know how many bugs are present in software? I bet you don't. But, take my word for it that most IT solutions leak like a sieve, after all even Microsoft routinely releases patches to fix known bugs. Reminds me of a Microsoft joke - A couple of guys flying a helicopter lose their navigation system and are hovering near a building trying to determine their co-ords. Upon seeing a few people on the roof, one of the pilots holds a placard reading - Where am I? The guy on the roof holds another placard saying - You are in a helo. Minutes later, they land safely.How - The guy on the roof of the building was a Microsoft employee and the pilots could then determine their bearing relative to the MS campus).

Anyways, coming back. Quite a few of the organizers were working on Microsoft technologies (I hope they were not releasing bug fix patches). Anyways, the organizers assuaged our fears by doing a demo rappel and about ten minutes after seeing the guy's head disappear below the mountain, the radio crackled informing that he had reached downstairs. So, two by two, the guys/gals started rappelling down (there were two ropes attached). Now, I regularly organize treks thru my corporate adventure group and have rappelled down waterfalls which were about 100 feet high. However, Nagphani rappelling is 350 feet (yes, you read that right, three hundred and fifty feet). I was actually feigning non-chalance and was counselling others on how easy it is to rappel. You just keep your legs apart and body perpendicular to the cliff face and voila, you are down in no time. Finally, it was my time to rappel down and I harnessed myself in and hooked on the carabiners (no hooker jokes please) and moved on to the edge of the mountain. What I saw below was something which cannot be described in words but suffice to know that I did a quick underwear check to ensure that it was still clean before taking any further steps. I had forgotten the golden rule of rappelling (i.e. one's legs should be as far as possible) because I was literally walking with my tail between my legs there. But, in the end, managed to come down safely without any bruises.

The traverse

Now that I was down, I heaved a sigh of relief but when I looked around, I had another think coming. The rappelling was one part of the adventure but to reach safety, I had to go along a narrow traverse in the rocky cliff which was not wide enough for me to keep 2 feet side by side (I know my shoe size is 12, but it really was narrow, take my word for it). Also, there was a rope strung along the side in which I had to harness myself in to save my skin in case I fall off the edge. At many places, there was no headroom and I had to literally crawl my way thru. Add to that the fact that the rope had been strung thru a series of hooks (still no hooker jokes please) and I had to unhook my carabiner and then rehook it at the other side. For those 5 seconds that I was unhooked, I was in a limbo. Now, the organizers were there on the traverse and did a splendid job of getting me across safely. I reached safety and realized that my trousers had ripped across thru and thru right along the equator of the body. And no, it was not damage which a safety pin could contain. And, I did not have anything spare. Turns out that the guy I had roped in with me had a spare jeans (wrong waist size but better than having my underwear twitching over my bum visible to the world).

Some more of the dreaded traverse (notice the rope)

Finally, got back home with a vow never to go there again. However, after a day, I decided that that was against the spirit of trekking and vowed to go there again. Hence, am going to organize a trek to the same place sometime soon. And no, the guys who fix the ropes are not going to be software guys but veterans from the Indian Armed Services. Want to join anyone?

P.S. The organizers of Inventure Treks are really good and know what they are doing. I do not intend to ridicule them or play down their abilities